The Ashes

I held onto her
With a grip so tight
Sand couldn’t even escape
Slip between my fingers

I held onto the thought of her
As if letting you go
Would suck out the life
That barely existed in me

Worry sets my brain on fire
She begins to slip away
My heart and soul begin to burn
I lose control
I become lost in a pile of ashes
One speck at a time
Being lifted by the frigid air
And blown away into the past

For the first time I realized
This feeling is different
You see I am no longer holding onto
My abuser or
The ones who have wronged me
I’m holding onto me
The old me
The me that was beaten down
And burned
Until she was just a pile of ashes
For she is something I learn from everyday
She taught me how to fight for me
She taught me how to believe in me
She taught me that time is magical

Though she is not in my bones anymore
I still see traces of her every day
That small bench
Where loneliness surrounded her
Not allowing anyone to come near
That creaky window
She covered up
So that no one could see her scars
And that porch with the swinging chair
Where she watched the people
Who were supposed to love her
Pass by
Without acknowledging her presence
Ignoring her humanity
Leaving teardrops
To saturate her t-shirt

I believe in her
But I can’t have her
I left the ashes on the ground
And walked away
To a better me
To a better life
And let me tell you–
The best is yet to come






Photo by John-Mark Kuznietsov on Unsplash