Oh love! Love makes you feel warm and fuzzy one minute and the next you want to run away from it, well at least in my case. I’m pretty great at running away when love happens. Maybe it’s my generation and the fucked up ideology that the grass is greener on the DM side. Maybe it’s the fact I have daddy issues and fear of abandonment. Maybe I feel as though leaving them first we I won’t be left feeling stupid when they dump me. Whatever the case is, I’m tired of running.
I want to love, but how? How does the heart let go of the comfort of solitude when for so long its been mistreated. Time? Meditation? Closure? Or do I just go for it and find love? I had no clue, so I stopped looking. I gave up on my mission and exactly when I did that love found me. What type of love do you ask? The love for myself. Look, hear me out. In order to love proper you have to be right within. There is no way in hell that you can accept love and give love if you are not right within yourself. It took me a while to self heal from my past, from my abusers, from the lack of love from my father, and most importantly to heal from my fear of abandonment. Honestly, I’m still healing and still struggling and that’s ok because now I know my truth. The path to enlightenment starts with facing yourself and your fear. I no longer want to fear love. Am I ok with the pain attached to love? Maybe, but if I don’t ever try I will never know.
I created this piece because the possibility of love and wild sex has found me and challenged me as of late. I’m excited, scared, and vulnerable. Even with all those emotions, I’m finally ready to let go of my fear.
I dedicate this post and artwork to my self-love and what that energy has brought to my life.
my days don’t feel quite right
if you don’t send me a song.
what else should i hear
while emptying my heart
of ghosts? my bones need
something that will burrow
deeply, and remind them that
home can be outside of this body.
and this body needs to remember
that men have died for the songs
of some women, so a moment of
shattering for you is a mere drop
in the oceans i have swallowed
while waiting for revolutions
that become my lullabies
(photo by Oladimeji Odunsi via unsplash)
Theirs was the first heartbeat
I ever listened to
without imagining the moment that it
would stop beating
and that is how I knew
and I am constantly sighing
image: j. waldon
I made him my god
What a dangerous thing!
He didn’t belong there…
He kept returning.
It was my fault
I knew he didn’t belong there
But I couldn’t help myself.
Such a dangerous thing
To put man before God.
What do you expect from a broken woman?
Do not expect honey from the root of her wounds.
Do not take what cannot be given.
Instead, give her the light of your love.
Return unto her the sum of the joy that was taken.
Victoria Angelique –
What do you mean when you say
you want all of me, in all of you?
Does it mean you want my demons
locked away up, in the cage of my heart
or my angels that reside in my instincts
battling with my demons, in my mind. Continue reading All of me
When Love Breezes on by.
need to sneeze
spring came around
stuffing noses, sensitive eyes
plucking petals makes me cry.
Within a sickly state
met a special someone on a date
we spent nights and days
in a wanton haze
blurry and hot
in loving thought.
We felt immortal, too great
to let the spark die, wait
so we carved our joy
happiness, tacit cloy
in our favourite bench
we spent days clenched
in spite of disgusting weather.
It looks like love
Sweet and uncertain
Beautiful and messy.
It makes sense
It becomes confusing again. Continue reading What It Looks Like
His lies were sweet,
turning my sourness to honey,
he carried the nectar Continue reading A Buzz
I often wondered if you were as sad as I was after you walked away. It pained me to say that perhaps you were not, and one day I had to let my hope dissipate. This is where I walk now, on the road taking me further away from you and any dreams I held onto. I stopped by the ocean for a while and tried to drop your name into the water, but I might as well have drowned myself because you were still inscribed all over me. Continue reading The Aftermath by Samihah Pargas
You assume that they will think of you
Remember all of your best attributes,
wish you were here.
Sometimes that’s true.
Sometimes it’s not.
Sometimes I want to bring you back to life
just to tell you how angry I am.
To tell you I love you
and that he deserved better.
-how to seduce the night, Rio de Janeiro 2016
On a rooftop in a rainstorm
he kissed the night into being.
High above the city of sleepless dreams
he gathered moonlight on his fingertips,
and cast love upon the midnight hued sky.
To a chorus of thunder and gunshots
he seduced the night
and made love to the stars.
I have not forgotten what it feels like
to become the calm after a storm.
March 3, 2018
is a spiraling bullet.
My heart is the still window,
waiting to be shattered.
If you are going to
break me, you had better be worth the crash.
Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash
I hope my cries echo through your mind at night
When the world has muted and all you can do is think
I hope you think of me
I hope you think of the way you made my heart bleed
The way that you would set my soul on fire
Continue reading “Fire Starter” by Sarah James
If you knew how
I’d cry walking along the river
Tears leaking behind my sunglasses
After you’d left
Would never have said those pretty lies to me.
If you knew how
I’d break into so many pieces
I’m still finding pieces of that girl I once knew
Under my bed and in the back of the sofa
Would never have attempted to love me.
You both shouldn’t have bothered.
Sorrow has scored its lines into my face
Silver is growing from my head
I’m fed up of photos that show eyelids puffy from tears
Because I cry before, after, and during everything I do.
Yet would either of you have stayed
if you knew that worst was yet to come?
Who knew that I’d break and then
break some more
until all there is left of me is
and grains of salt.
Truly, right now I think
You shouldn’t have bothered.
And yes, I survived those other tears,
That old heartache
and all the other bullshit life had to offer.
But honestly, my love
If that is all
to give to me.
You shouldn’t have bothered.
(Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash)
The most beautiful thing
I have ever known
was you asleep in my bed
me curved around you
one last cuddle
in the curls of your hair
before I go to work.
I never knew I could love so much,
That I could feel such tenderness,
Just from you asleep in my bed.
For a few more minutes snuggled with you
I’d miss my train
I’d bunked off school
I forgot who I was.
All because of loving you,
The boy asleep in my bed.
(Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash)
I thought I’d found someone I could heal with.
It turns out you just kept ripping open my wounds
And breaking my heart, more than anyone ever has.
(Photo by Alexander Lam on Unsplash)
Read my poetry and you’ll know
We no longer share the same spaces,
places mix with traces of you
Familiar albums sound so foreign,
I was left without a clue
We parted like the Nile,
after years of streaming lakes
Continue reading “In poetry and no more” by Alnaika