PART 3: Headlights
It is maddening. Why now? After all the emotional outpouring. Why is now the time he’s come to collect the sex? He’s smooth…slick as an oiled railing. Now is the moment he chooses to ignore our awkward behavior and immaturity? We are in an endless cycle of us reacting to each other’s reactions and trying to then process how to react to that. If this is what he needs in order to cope with the gravity of our connection, then sure, I’ll buy in. Not that it’s ever been just fucking, and we both know that. But he works so hard to deny the connection, and to be honest, I let him. Because, after all, I’m horny. I have needs. And before any judgment is passed, I am not using him. This neediness and craving is not just for anyone, but for his particular brand of tortured love. I need him; a heady thirst.
Continue reading Awkward Girl: Day 4 (Part 3)
PART 2: Supermarket
I struggle with tasks that I must participate in, in order to function as a respected adult, that is. I know, I know…we all feel that way when stress and the atrophy of time plagues us. I know I am not alone in feeling like I cannot keep up with the errands and appointments or making sure the smoke detectors have new batteries so that the ear-splitting, incessant beeping doesn’t push me to completely lose it in the middle of the night. But you see, with me…it is beyond a 9-volt or managing to get to the dentist twice a year.
Continue reading Awkward Girl: Day 4 (Supermarket)
Dating is hard.
Finding someone that is just the same shade of broken as me, or at least accepts the quirky things that make me, me, is (Can you guess?) awkward. It’s like an intricate social experiment where I am trying to, at the very least, survive the undertow. At the most? Find a human I connect with and can actually tolerate beyond a couple of months. A human who will eventually know all of me, weaknesses exalted, and who still wants to grab me and hold me despite of it all.
Continue reading Awkward Girl: Day 4
Ok. So, things are going well.
This is the thought I’m having tonight. This is going well. Only a few slightly awkward interactions crept into the evening thus far, so I’d say…winning. For instance, it begins with me contemplating whether to go in for the hug, a kiss on the cheek, or a peck on the lips. Being the fourth date, it is appropriately confusing. So what happens? Naturally, I do some combination of the three aforementioned options, and I end up, kind of, sort of kissing him on (in?) the ear. I KNOW that shit was loud. Right. In. His. Ear. Continue reading Awkward Girl: Day 2
Swipe left. Right. Left. Right. Right. It’s a match. OMG. Gonna try to talk. See if there’s anyone there. No reply. Swipe left. Right. Right. Left. Left. Oh, they replied. Geez, only that? Well, let’s try something more. Oh no, they replied something less. Swipe right. Left. Left. Right again. There’s always a match. They don’t really talk. It’s ok like that. Because every time we “connect”, my ego has a blast.
© Máh Lima