M.O. (Mode of Operation)

“Life waits for no one”, they said

So I ran

Shoes in one hand and my dreams in the other I ran for life to discover me and sprinted myself to exhaustion

No one told me that I could turn into my worst enemy against the clock of my own making

I am stuck – waiting for the car in the distance to stop running

Waiting for the engine to give out and release steam, unclogging my faulty brain and all the gears that have convinced me that I can not just give it a rest

Let me know when I can stop

When I can stop running after cars in the distance while I am panting out of breath due to unceasing timed tests

Maybe it’s not for time, maybe it’s against time

Maybe it’s all for success or better yet ego

Maybe I sprint because jogging is stupid and walking is boring and standing is useless

I’ve convinced myself that I can do all the things

That I can be that girl – am that girl that you can not tape measure into shape

That you can not bend or break me into place – that I am trying to get somewhere

And in order to get there, that twinkle in the twilight, that frazzle dazzle in the sky

You must be everything to yourself and outrun everything if you try

But my ambition fails to hide the trail my blistered feet have left behind

And to my dismay, I will surely find that I have been running in a circle

There are sores on my heels from where my feet have joined with pavement

There are sores on my psyche from where my dreams have joined with pavement

I’m so close to falling on my knees that my body is conditioning itself for impact

Like – fall – maybe this will feel better

Just fall and the floor will hold and rock me until my inadequacy will be numbed with exhaustion from running

Let it fall down

Down into a low, quiet rumble

Maybe the ground will be kinder to me with it resting on it

Maybe it will all get easier when I am no longer chasing after life to come and find me

-Victoria Angelique