It’s surreal…profound maybe. Being me, in all my awkward glory.
Sometimes all the thoughts compel me to the cusp of understanding my place in the universe and sometimes the gravity of my goofiness presses upon me so I feel stifled in my own mire. How do people perceive me? How do I perceive them? And more frantically I ask, “ How do I perceive them perceiving me, perceiving them as they perceive me? I mean, no wonder it’s so fucking difficult. Ha! But not without inwardly laughing at myself; probably outwardly too (as random strangers look at me like I am nuts when my cocktail comes exploding out my nose in a clumsy chortle.)
See. It’s all the thoughts. Literally all of them…and then the thoughts that analyze all the other thoughts. And then the thoughts sifting through all the conclusions I’ve come to about my own thoughts. At some point it is probably impeding my chances of coming off as a normal person. I’ll feign nonchalance on this point.
Like when I’m having all these thoughts ranging from singing Disney songs in my head to wondering if nuns mastrubate…I’m supposed to also simultaneously connect to others and also operate a vehicle while making appropriate facial expressions and courteous gestures. No wonder I fall down, no wonder I cannot operate a car effectively, let alone a shopping cart (at least I never get chosen to be DD.)
So let’s paint a silver lining; “I have a rich inner dialogue.” instead of admitting I’m high strung. “I’m an outgoing introvert” in lieu of I avoid social interactions where I feel awkward. What usually happens is I’ll heckle myself, which to my credit I think people read as sheepish charm and comical self deprecation, all the while, somewhat musically as well, telling myself off, “you douche knuckle, shut the fuck up” “Why are you still talking?”
Still, I’m not sure I would opt for the alternative of being suave and smooth and secure. I only have the option of being honest…being me…being awkward; that in and of itself is a challenge without trying to be a more stream-lined outward version of myself. But be as it may, I have a sense of humor about it.