Ambivalence

a poem by Máh Lima

You think I don’t notice how your actions speak.
You say you love me but you still hide me.
I am only yours when there’s no one around.
You think I don’t notice all your little doubts.
And fears of judgment from your peers.
You think I haven’t noticed how they look at me.
And that’s when you claim we are only friends.
The look in your eyes that begs me to pretend.
And all the thoughts that run through my mind.
Why is it so hard for you to say with pride
“I love her and she’s everything I’ll ever need”,
because that’s all you ever say to me.
Maybe you’d love me more if I lost weight,
if my hair was straight and my eyes were a lighter shade.

If my traces were a little more ‘white’,
maybe you’d talk about me with pride
And they’d look at me with more respect.
It wouldn’t be a surprise,
they’d consider me a beauty,

if I changed everything that links me to my ethnicity.

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