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The fear of my blackness

It was you, yes you, who made me hate my blackness.

You see, I would be in class just being me and I can remember you saying that was ugly.

I would look in the mirror and see my so called big lips. I wanted to take a knife and make it right, cut them off and out of sight. In fear, watch them bleed away, along with my tears.

Here my lips exist a place where I can speak highly of me. It’s a place where even the slightest curve can leave you smiling, yet I was left crying.

What if I told you that I had once hated myself? What if I told you that I hated myself because of everything that makes me beautiful?

My hair, this glorious crown that I have so recently dubbed thee, the most sacred part of me. I used to see the new growth in my hair and would shake in my very bones, because new growth was wrong. Yet what I did not know, was new growth was strong.

I touch my hair and let my fingers pirouette on every strand of every memory of ever lasting hope. And I am optimistic, that you too will love your roots one day.

I would avoid the very entity that is unavoidable to continue to keep a shade that was acceptable. Because to be too dark is to be too “black”, but if I could speak to the little girl that went through all of that, I would almost scold her for her shame. And I have come to know that the tears I now spill across these very pages are not tears of sorrow, but raindrops of solace.

Be not alarmed, because you made me hate my blackness. How could you have known that the sword in your mouth would create a wound so deep that it took years for every cell to heal. How could you have known that because of that war I would die? I came back reborn a woman no longer in fear, of your slurs or of your so called “preferences”.

I laugh at the syllables that create the words you use to fill hate into the hearts of others. But I do Rest In Peace in the fact that I am of great value. Now, I rest in knowing that there will never be a moment where I look at myself and hate the way you do. I am sorry that you live in so much fear, but I hope you realize that we too, live here.