Oh love! Love makes you feel warm and fuzzy one minute and the next you want to run away from it, well at least in my case. I’m pretty great at running away when love happens. Maybe it’s my generation and the fucked up ideology that the grass is greener on the DM side. Maybe it’s the fact I have daddy issues and fear of abandonment. Maybe I feel as though leaving them first we I won’t be left feeling stupid when they dump me. Whatever the case is, I’m tired of running.
I want to love, but how? How does the heart let go of the comfort of solitude when for so long its been mistreated. Time? Meditation? Closure? Or do I just go for it and find love? I had no clue, so I stopped looking. I gave up on my mission and exactly when I did that love found me. What type of love do you ask? The love for myself. Look, hear me out. In order to love proper you have to be right within. There is no way in hell that you can accept love and give love if you are not right within yourself. It took me a while to self heal from my past, from my abusers, from the lack of love from my father, and most importantly to heal from my fear of abandonment. Honestly, I’m still healing and still struggling and that’s ok because now I know my truth. The path to enlightenment starts with facing yourself and your fear. I no longer want to fear love. Am I ok with the pain attached to love? Maybe, but if I don’t ever try I will never know.
I created this piece because the possibility of love and wild sex has found me and challenged me as of late. I’m excited, scared, and vulnerable. Even with all those emotions, I’m finally ready to let go of my fear.
I dedicate this post and artwork to my self-love and what that energy has brought to my life.
I’m the piece of the puzzle that’s been tossed into a box
Trapped with all the pieces that have been lost
I don’t have any straight edges
I’ve been trying for so long to find my place
Between friendships, relationships, and incompatible minds
I haven’t found a place that’s truly mine
I’ll meet new people
Reconnect with others from the past
But nothing ever sticks
I’m left behind
Trying to reconfigure this puzzle that I don’t belong to
Hoping somehow, someone else got tossed in the same pile as me
That our pieces will connect
I’ll finally be whole
Her head reeled with
thoughts like fractals,
an endless realm.
Things became difficult
and intense and made
her desire to sleep.
She knew there was
never an acceptable
reason to deny love,
but at the time it seemed
like an unattainable miracle
to be chosen.
She should have
nature of things,
she sank meekly
shadows of failure,
escaping parted lips,
I walked behind
Covered up to the thighs
in its rivers,
freezing from the chill
that it became since
life served it grief
the calm of blood that
passed the rest of my
body on the inside.
we learned to flow
to search for ourselves
On the walls & floors
of my flesh,
Continue reading A Walk Behind My Heart
There’s a faint voice in my chest
Telling me I have no time on which to hold
Insisting that I hurry
Whispering steadily, speedily
That I quicken my step
Hasten my ascent to ever fleeting success
Incessantly reminding me of my age
And that I am becoming too old for firsts or fresh starts
So I speak over myself
Drowning out the tick-tocking
While respecting that I only get so many before I end
I will acknowledge but will not fear time
Jealousy runs through my veins.
My mind turns against me with thoughts I can’t contain.
There’s no positive side to feeling this way.
It’s hard to hold back the snap,
things I never meant to say.
No, I know they’re not true.
It’s just that jealousy clouds me and I feel confused.
I am aware it’s not the best part of me
and it comes from all my hidden insecurities.
And the thought that maybe I am not enough…
Jealousy haunts me like a ghost.
But I am conscious of its presence
and I pray to God I will detain it.
Before, blind, I wreck havoc.
And hurt all the people I love.
Of a buttery paratha
And gharam chai
I was reminded
Be nice to everyone
Say thank you and sorry
Remember your manners
Make sure you’re clean
Respect your teachers
Don’t give them a chance
Only say how good religion is
So they get this
Terrorist image out of their head
And I thought to myself
How funny that I have to convince
Others to treat me
See me like them